~ A Prayer ~
I feel so abused
Ashamed and confused
I don’t know what to do
How to choose
I’m left wondering
How to heal my pain
Trying to find the right way
But I need your help, Lord
God, I need you, what do I do
Please, Lord, give me strength
I give my cares to you
My Great Protector, Father.
I come to you today. That’s it. I just come. I am not running anymore. I know I need you. I WANT you. And that is important. I miss you. I desire you. I wish I were more devoted to you. I am sorry. SO sorry, God. For all the terrible things I have done to your temple, my body. I have ruined it completely. I wish I could say I took care of my body but you know I haven’t. I tore it up. I hurt it, caused it pain – emotionally and physically – I ripped it open and cut open the seams. Today, I want to ask for your forgiveness for these sins. For my cutting. I do love you, you know. Quite a bit. God, I don’t want to run away from you anymore. I truly want to be able to fall in love with you again like I used to be!! Please help me to do that. Show me the way to love you the way you deserve to be loved – if I am even capable of doing that. Teach me how to love.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13.
There is a letter in a book I received recently called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. It is a 365 day devotional with “letters from God” each day and Bible verses to back it up. While flipping through this book today, I found this letter:
“The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.”
This is so true, and I can see it in my own life every day. I get too caught up and worried over school, friends, meetings, problems, sleep, cutting – everything. I forget that I have Jesus right here, within me, and that he is here to help me!! I shove Him to the back of my mind and let the world and my sinful nature consume me, as I sit and cut myself, or worry too much over silly things like midterms that in the long run won’t matter so much. When I let the world consume me and my thoughts, my mind really does become darkened. And when my mind is dark, I don’t think clearly, I can’t see or even remember Christ’s sacrifice for me. There are a million reasons I cut. But sometimes when my mind is without Jesus’ Light, I turn to cutting to punish myself, to spill my blood because I can’t remember that Jesus’ blood was already spilt for me, on the cross!! He already took my sins away and forgave them. He knew I would cut myself and shed my own blood in place of His, though he had already done it!!
But when I am like that, when our thoughts get dark and we forget our Wonderful Savior, Jesus will never violate our freedom. If we don’t want Him with us, He doesn’t push. He stays with us but he will never force us to do what we don’t want to do. Jesus stands by and watches me cut, because it is my free will to choose to do it. But he STILL loves me, and waits for me to remember Him. Together is the key word. God will always still love me but only when I turn to him he helps me carry my burdens. In Psalm 55:22 it says, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
Often times I forget and don’t believe that he still loves me. What I can’t fathom is that even when I don’t believe God loves me, he STILL does. It is a challenge for me to remember that God loves me even when I cut. I have to remind myself of it every day. And once already I gave up on God’s love and wished only to die. But I pray I never will give up on Him again.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10
“When life knocks you down to your knees just remember you are in the perfect position to pray”
I have always liked this phrase, but that was back when I wasn’t going through something difficult, like my cutting. Now, as I ponder this saying, I see it in a new light. Because of late, I haven’t been praying much. I have fallen away from God in the past, ohh long while. I haven’t been involved in Bible study since April, and my prayer life basically disintegrated when I started cutting again this summer after a long break from it. Prayer is basically just talking to God, on a personal level, because He is my Heavenly Father. To pray is just like talking to my Daddy, telling him my hurts, wants, likes, dislikes, about my good days and my bad days. And prayer is just SO important in the Christian walk. I cut off my lifeline, my direct contact with my Savior, when I don’t pray. Prayer is incredibly important, and even more so when in times of trouble. I am in one of those trying times, and I really need a Savior. It is hard for me to remember to talk to Daddy on a normal day, but I think recently I have been intentionally avoiding telling Him what’s up, because I’ve been doing such horrible things to myself with the cutting. But I was reflecting on this phrase today and remembering how important it is to pray to my God. Because He is the ONLY one who can save me from this awful black hole I have been in.
Thank you, Daddy for giving me this revelation today!!! (PS – that was a prayer!)
“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge, let me never be put to shame, deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. FREE ME from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands, I commit my spirit, redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth.”
I come to you in pain. I am so incredibly broken, it’s not even funny. I can’t do this on my own. I need your help, SO badly. I want you to come and break unto my life and rescue me from the cutting. I NEED you, Savior. I am lost and I am drowning!! I pray that you would come throw me a lifeline, a floaty, a lifesaver. Even if it is a piece of candy, Lord, I need your love and forgiveness! I have started telling people about what I do to myself, but I don’t know what else to do!! How are they supposed to help me? God, please give them the wisdom and strength to know how to help me in the best way possible. I need your love and care so much. I miss you, daddy. I want to come back to you and be embraced in your loving kindness, mercy, and most of all, forgiveness. Even though I can’t understand or even believe I deserve it right now, I know it is there. Thank you for never abandoning me.