they would speak a thousand things

Archive for November, 2010

What is a SCAR?

How will you know I am hurting,
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
–C. Blount (English deistic writer) [1654-1693]

Scars are the results of the natural healing processes of the body; which occurs when the body suffers and injury. The body’s defenses rush to save the injury, and as the injury heals, scars form. In fact, the skin does not heal exactly the same as it was before. Scar tissue is inferior to normal skin because scars are flat and lightly colored as a result of less access to blood, sweat glands are damaged or destroyed, hair doesn’t grow back there, and there is less resistance to ultraviolet radiation. Scars form as the result of injury to the dermis, a layer of skin that is deep and sensitive. Collagen fibers surge to the injury when damage to the dermis layer of the skin occurs.

“It’s not so much how deep a wound is that determines whether a scar will worm, but rather the location of the wound and that person’s genetic tendency to form scars” says Brian Flyer, a doctor from California. The type of scar that will form depends also on the person’s age, heredity, sex, nutrition, and of course the severity of the wound.

There are several types of scars:

1.      Hypertrophic: raised and often red lump on the skin, form when wound is under tension thereby raising the healing tissue; occurs when there is an overproduction of collagen.

2.      Keloidal: like hypertrophic but more serious because they can continue growing into a large neoplasm, spread beyond the boundaries of the original injury, raised hard growth that forms because some bodies rush in a lot of collagen to the injured site and the healing tissue is more than is required; can occur on anyone, but are more common in dark-skinned people.

3.      Atrophic: opposite of hypertrophic and keloidal, leaves depressions in the skin, these are sunken recesses in the skin which have a pitted appearance, caused when underlying structures such as fat or muscle are lost so they cannot support the skin; associated with acne, chickenpox, surgery, and accidents.

4.      Acne: pitting caused by the stretching of pores, aka atrophic

5.      Contracture: flat, tight scars that constrict movement, often caused by burns

6.      Stretch marks: caused when skins is stretched rapidly (such as during pregnancy) or put under tension during healing process (near joints); usually improves in appearance after a few years.

Scars can never be completely removed; there are supplements such as vitamin E and creams to help speed the healing process of scars, but they will never completely go away. There are surgeries available to remove scars but often the surgery will produce another scar and there is no guarantee the former scar will be less obvious. Topical treatments, radiotherapy, steroids, dermabrasion, laser resurfacing, and injections of collagen are other options to rid the body of scars. There are many methods to treat scars as well; however, even with all these methods, there is no way to absolutely remove a scar.

 

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The Cutting Circle

 

I lost my phone charger, so my phone died, and I didn’t have the time so I was late to my class. So I tried the next best thing to get the time, my watch. Of course the battery was dead. So I went to the store. They were out of the particular one I needed. So I went to a different store and got the battery. Then I couldn’t open the back of my watch to put the battery in. My third option: an alarm clock slash calculator I have. The batteries were dead in that too. Finally, I had to resort to using my ipod to tell the time. Has this ever happened to you? Where you try one thing after another to achieve a certain goal and every time they each fail you? It is a chain of events that once started, almost always leads to the same ending result. That is what it is like to cut oneself. The chain is even more common than one might think when dealing with cutting specifically. It is a chain of events that once begun, cannot be stopped until the final act has been completed, and maybe not even then.

 

One thing happens first that sets off the whole chain of events; you accidentally cut yourself. That leads to doing it again to try to get a similar feeling. So you find something sharp. The closest thing to you is a pin. So you scratch the skin until it is raw. But that isn’t enough for you, so you find the next best common household thing: scissors. Of course that doesn’t do the trick either. So you look in the toolbox and find something a little sharper. The one you like. But eventually even that isn’t enough. Finally, you decide to resort to killing yourself to make everything that you started stop. And that is how you finally end the chain of events. Yet sometimes, the chain keeps on going even after this deadly event. And that is what is known as the cutting circle.


Your Mercy

In all my life

Never been so numb

Cannot see

What you have done

To save me

 

Your mercy explodes

Into my life

Now I see The brightest light

Of your love

Come to rescue me

From my strife.

 

From death I tried

So hard to end

But you were there to guide

My life and

Lead me by the hand

 

But your mercy explodes

Into my life

Now I see The brightest light

Of your love

Come to rescue me

From my strife.

 

Your mercy

It saves me

Now I can be free

From the chains

Around my hands and feet

So thankful

For your mercy.


BLACK and WHITE

 

 

 

 

 

 

When all is black

More likely he will attack

I need to bring more white

To combat Satan in this fight

Black and white

Is all I see

Your love so bright

Is darkened in me

Try as I might

I can’t escape

My arm is not right

With all this hate

Please hear my plight

It’s black and white!

When in the world myself I lack

I need Jesus to bring me back

From the dark into His light

Shine it through His glory so bright

Black and white

Is all I see

Your love so bright

Is darkened in me

Try as I might

I can’t escape

My arm is not right

With all this hate

Please hear my plight

It’s black and white!

Surrounded by the hate that runs

Deep inside my body

Can’t stop this destructive passion

His love is the only key

I need salvation

Hopelessly.


Red Black & White

 

 

The truth is, cutting really is black and white. There is a little red splashed in there as well, of course. But with cutting, life you see is in plain black and white. You see only the good (white) or the bad (black), and usually life is always black. In a cutter’s world, there is no gray area. None. There is only cutting or there is not. There is “I’m alright today” and “I’m totally seeped in misery and destructive passion today.” The middle ground just doesn’t exist. There is no gray. I have a theory that the reason there is absolutely no gray in a cutter’s world is because the things in life are always at the extreme end. One extreme is being alright, knowing at this moment you are surviving life and not hurting yourself at the same time. The other extreme occurs much more often; cutting. It happens. There is no denying it. It is a black pit of endless dark misery, loneliness, and pain that in those moments you cannot escape from the hole.

 

Imagine the black side as the blackest of blacks, on from which to climb back out is an impossible feat indeed. The white in your life is barely a glimmer. Mostly your days are black; but some days, you have that small “light at the end of the tunnel,” very far away that is just a tiny glint of white. But that is what gives you hope. The light if seen in its infinite brightness would blind and absolutely astound you! But you long for it, because it is the love that Jesus has for you and you know it. Most days you go without the white except that glimmer in the corner. But everyday if you focus more on the white of Christ more than the black of cutting, that small light gets just a little bit brighter and you can see a bit more in the blackness. You have hope.


Emotional-Drained

 

What good is a heart

In pieces, shattered

Can’t make a new start

Unhealed it don’t matter

Put on a bandaid

And hope for a heart re-made

 

There is a reason

For the breaking of a heartache

A broken heart lasts so long

And that ripping feeling you can’t shake

Away the pain inside

More than emotional-drained

 

What good is a heart

In pieces, shattered

Can’t make a new start

Unhealed it don’t matter

Put on a bandaid

And hope for a heart re-made

 

There is a crime here

Committed against my organ

Dysfunctional, uncooperative pain

And that fight you know you won’t win

Take away the pain inside

More than emotional-drained.


Everything

 

Some of you may know that I have been in this drama, as well as directed it here in Davis. I love this drama, because it is so powerful, but more than that, it is truthful and real. Many times, what I lack in my life is reality. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. It is hard to have friends and stay real with them when I am dealing with cutting and hard things. They back away and are scared to deal with me. So I fake it. That is the easiest thing to do in this situation. Just fake that I am okay or doing well. Then my friends get an unrealistic version of me, and I don’t like it. But often times I think, “hey, what does it matter anyways if I’m fake but have friends?” This is wrong, I know. It is something I struggle with, to be real with people about how I am actually doing.

 

But this drama is all about the very REAL temptation people can have in life. That is why I love it. It shows that life isn’t just made of easy-pie. There are tons of hardships, temptations, and sin. Especially the sin. In this version of the drama “Everything,” they don’t show the part where the young girl-creation deals with cutting, but there are some versions if you search for “Everything drama” on youtube.com that include the part where she deals with the sin of cutting. It is very powerful. But the best thing about this drama, I think, is the end. That intense part when Jesus fights for His creation-girl, because of how much he loves her. I always pretend I am that girl when I watch, perform, or direct this drama, because it reminds me that I am loved by God. And that is something I have trouble with remembering. I don’t always know that God loves me. But this drama plays it out so clearly, that you can’t mistake Jesus’ love for the girl he created in the beginning. And at the end he fights for her and WINS. That is why I love this drama. Jesus Wins!!! And because I am on Jesus’ side, I win too. I win the fight against the Devil in the end. That’s the good news!! And Jesus wins me. If you learn anything from this post, which I sincerely hope you do, you should learn that Jesus is willing (and ALREADY has, on the cross) to fight for YOU because he loves you passionately. Remember that.

 

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God.”

Ephesians 2:4-8