they would speak a thousand things

Archive for October, 2010

This Hell

There is a girl

Who just wants to be heard

She is screaming out

But no one can hear her now

Because she’s drowning

In shame and craving

 

The lust of blood

And the loss of love

Chains herself to a knife

Her scars that remain open

Tell her that she is broken

The crimson blood

That is spilled tonight

Plots to steal her life

She can’t escape this hell

 

There is a girl

Who just wants to be seen

She is bleeding now

But no one can see her crashing down

Because she’s invisible

In this room full of friends

 

The lust of blood

And the loss of love

Chains herself to a knife

Her scars that remain open

Tell her that she is broken

The crimson blood

That is spilled tonight

Plots to steal her life

She can’t escape this hell

 

You see her through the pain

Pull her out of this tragedy

Take her hand to keep her sane

Complete her story.


Remember, Remember Me

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13.

There is a letter in a book I received recently called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. It is a 365 day devotional with “letters from God” each day and Bible verses to back it up. While flipping through this book today, I found this letter:

“The world is too much with you, My child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem to problem, tangling your thoughts in anxious knots. When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you. When you turn from your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Together we can handle whatever this day brings.”

This is so true, and I can see it in my own life every day. I get too caught up and worried over school, friends, meetings, problems, sleep, cutting – everything. I forget that I have Jesus right here, within me, and that he is here to help me!! I shove Him to the back of my mind and let the world and my sinful nature consume me, as I sit and cut myself, or worry too much over silly things like midterms that in the long run won’t matter so much. When I let the world consume me and my thoughts, my mind really does become darkened. And when my mind is dark, I don’t think clearly, I can’t see or even remember Christ’s sacrifice for me. There are a million reasons I cut. But sometimes when my mind is without Jesus’ Light, I turn to cutting to punish myself, to spill my blood because I can’t remember that Jesus’ blood was already spilt for me, on the cross!! He already took my sins away and forgave them. He knew I would cut myself and shed my own blood in place of His, though he had already done it!!

But when I am like that, when our thoughts get dark and we forget our Wonderful Savior, Jesus will never violate our freedom. If we don’t want Him with us, He doesn’t push. He stays with us but he will never force us to do what we don’t want to do. Jesus stands by and watches me cut, because it is my free will to choose to do it. But he STILL loves me, and waits for me to remember Him. Together is the key word. God will always still love me but only when I turn to him he helps me carry my burdens. In Psalm 55:22 it says, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”

Often times I forget and don’t believe that he still loves me. What I can’t fathom is that even when I don’t believe God loves me, he STILL does. It is a challenge for me to remember that God loves me even when I cut. I have to remind myself of it every day. And once already I gave up on God’s love and wished only to die. But I pray I never will give up on Him again.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10


 


Not One

[Based on Romans 3:10-18]

 

Not one of us is righteous

We cannot understand

The Glory of the One True God

Not one of any man

 

Not one of us seeks for Him

We all have turned aside

We look away from the Holy One

But there’s not a place to hide

 

No, not one

None of us does good

No, not one

We all are sinners

Our worthlessness rings true

 

Not one of us can hold his tongue

His mouth is full of curses

We all are swift to spread ruin

The way of peace replaced with bitterness

 

No, not one

Not one of us does good

No, not one

We all are sinners

Our worthlessness rings true

 

But Jesus Christ came to this earth

Humbled before His Father

He died to free us wretched souls

We’ll live with Him forever

 

Though not one man is sinless

His nature commands it so

Our Holy Savior forgives him much

All sin and blame is left behind us.


Let your light shine…

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven.” – Matthew 5:14-16


If I am the light of the world, then I am supposed to share my story with others, right? I think so. That is one reason I started my blog. A lot of people ask me what I want to get out of my blog, and I tell them to read the purpose section. But in reality, I have a lot of things I am hoping to get out of this venture. I am looking first of all for myself. I started this blog for myself to be able to process and go through what I am feeling in dealing with the cutting and suicide stuff. I am hoping to get some sort of healing just from writing down my feelings and dealing with some of my issues.

Another goal I had in starting this blog was so that I could reach out to other people. I want to get the word out, as I said in my “Purpose” page, about what has happened in my life. I want people to start knowing, to start finally getting to know me for real. I really love getting feedback from people, who are encouraged, find my story interesting or scary or heartbreaking. I like to hear from you. So let me know what you think. Whether it is good or bad or somewhere in between. I try not to take things too personally but maybe I should in this case since my blog is all about my journey. But nevertheless, I just wanted to share my heart in a little more why I started my blog and why I continue to share my real self – up close and personal, no holding back – with all of you who are this right now.

It is of course terrifying every day that I have my blog open to the public for all to see. But that was also kind of my point. I wanted to be that light on a stand, and not hide under the basket anymore. I want to show the people I love that I am trying to change and that I want to get better. It is really hard for me to post these personal things about myself, (I try to post everyday) don’t ever think that it isn’t. But I persevere and press on towards the goal, because my goal in this is to get better and stop cutting, become free from these shackles that weigh me down and keep me in my depression, find my strength in Christ again, and fall back in love with God, my Father. That is my goal. I want to be a shining light for Him someday.


Salt (Part 2)

I was just thinking about salt more…and how when you rub it into an open wound it hurts incredibly bad. But it is ultimately to the health of the wound, right? The salt in itself doesn’t speed up healing, but it dries out the wound and keeps it clean by absorbing fluids. Once the wound is dry, the body can work more efficiently to heal the wound. Thus, we being the salt of the earth as Christians are basically here to help heal wounded people. I mean, that is what Jesus did, right?! He hung out with the weak, broken, sinful, and rejected people of the earth.

 

A friend of mine named Josh once told me that Jesus came to seek and save the lost, not the righteous. And that is so true!! So we are supposed to be the salt on the wound. To help shine the light of Jesus that we have within us and start the process of helping dry up all the junk that people have in their lives so that Jesus (and the body, meaning the church!!) can eventually heal the person. But – I think right now, my job is not to be the salt. Right now I am the wound. And I don’t mean to be selfish or arrogant, but honest. At this point in my life, I am the one who is hurting and in pain. I am the one who needs the salt to come and patch me up so that Jesus can come in and heal and save me perfectly, as is His way. So now it is your turn to respond. To be the salt in my life. Go ahead, I dare you.


Salt

“You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet.” – Matthew 5:13


I had two trains of thought when reading and thinking about this verse today. The first was: that salt was so important in Jesus’ time. It was something that added flavor to any food dish, but many people weren’t rich enough to have salt. They couldn’t afford it. Yet it was almost idolized as a necessity when feeding guests or when people of great importance came to dine at your house. I think it’s interesting that Jesus here compares us to salt. Actually, this is not a comparison at all. Jesus didn’t say “you are LIKE the salt of the earth” he said you ARE the salt of the earth. Which I find a really cool metaphor. If we are salt to the earth, that means us, as Christians, we give the earth flavor. In the metaphorical sense coming from Jesus’ time, that would mean we are incredibly important. Also, this sort of metaphor would really connect with the people listening to Jesus at the time, because they all knew how good salt was and what it could to do spice up a very plain meal. I mean, if you think about it, how much do you use salt every day? On your eggs in the morning, on your green beans with your dinner, as seasoning for your meat, in your soup on a rainy day, there is even salt in cookies. You use salt all the time. I love that what Jesus said way back over 2000 years ago that was relevant for the people then still applies to you and me today. It’s awesome!!

 

My other series of thoughts was this: Have I lost my saltiness? I once was a devoted, inspired, passionate follower of Christ. Am I now? Not really. I sin everyday and though that isn’t an excuse, it makes me question how much of a “Christian” I am right now. God says once you accept Jesus you are guaranteed salvation because of the cross, and you cannot lose your salvation by doing anything. This gives me some hope. But still, I think about what I have done to myself, in cutting and trying to kill myself…I almost murdered a child of God. And that is unforgiveable. It has to be. Right? Murder is going against God, against His word and His commandments. If I have lost my saltiness, then I am no longer a good influence for this Christian community. I deserve to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet just as the verse says. But isn’t that why Jesus came in the first place??

 


Bleeding (No Escape) *Caution – explicit material*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Empty room

The light has gone from her eyes

A new spring bloom

Turns gray in her sight

She sees red, black, and white

Tunes out the sound of life

Drops of blood she always cries

Expected relief never arrives

She has no strength to keep her life

 

Her world has no meaning

Her arms are bleeding

Now she is screaming

Her arms are bleeding

Wish she was dreaming

All hope is leaving

 

Vacancy here

No one sees how hard she tries

Just to disappear

To drive the pain away tonight

Nothing about it is right

Only crimson runs through her mind

Knife cuts deep into her life

Expected relief never arrives

She has no strength to keep her life

 

Her world has no meaning

Her arms are bleeding

Now she is screaming

Her arms are bleeding

Wish she was dreaming

All hope is leaving

 

But anger controls

She cannot win this fight

Her scars the signs of her fate

Spelling out her hate

The blood she craves

I can’t escape.